Jays LIFE

wow and here I thought id be dead by now

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 02:38:43 GMT

So yeah ... been forever since I come on lj but I guess its time for me to get back to the writting again.
Yes even I thought I would have ended up dead behind a dumpster at a nightclub by now or better yet chopped into tiny pieces and wrapped with plastic ready to be dumped in the ocean... but weird as it may be non of those things happened. I am still alive and getting into much trouble but soon ill write all about that for now tata ...

this is what well be

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 03:54:11 GMT

I'm fearing I may break and I can feel the crack opening now. Once again I lost hope and they had to let me go.
When I met him he was not only my lover but he was my best friend here. I gave my self to him the way the air gives oxygen to my lungs, I see now that I started a spark that I didn't know how to controll.
At times things were just right and now am here with thoughts consuming me yearning for his words, time wasn't right but that's what I get for letting my heart take over.
Why do I always hurt? Because im not as strong as I used to be and now I see this is what I get for letting my heart win. Many times I wondered how I would feel if I had burnt every bridge I built and weather I should drown all my open senses.

I remember when I felt like I didn't deserve anyone, I remember the cold nigts in the land of nowhere standing under the rain and right now I can hear the wispered words which that night turned my worlds. The words which said that they would be there for me but now I see I was right to be the selfish fake man I were. Now I see that when people want to be there for you its to hurt you.

Back to reality I wake up after a dream knowing the falling down happened now and then. I have thoughts and cries at the tip of my tongue as the burning inside makes wish I was with you and even though I am trying to hold on to the pain am feeling the tears dry and you're not here.

Maybe I was simply born for this, for always falling, for always breathing in deep. For seing sparks in people's eyes and letting a flame begin. Even though I tried to give this fire oxygen and let the fire begin I pushed it to the limit of regret. I fed the fire with everything I had turning it againts me and I let it burn me.

Still thank you for being a friend for me, and am thinking of the times when I told you how I felt and I now tell you i feel lost with no way and like the doors are closing in together.
This time it really is hurting to say good bye, and deep inside am loosing grip of who I have been... this time im feeling like even tho it cuts me in like a knife there won't be much to let out. I know now that this is no more as I search deep inside for the guy who used to not cry. I never meant to let this emotional guy get so close but now am in this pittyful condition but from now on no matter what no one will see tears fall from my eyes ill be alive but feeling frozen again. Ill be the pillar, the guy with a mask and am sorry but I don't think I need to remember. My heart will say good bye to all this fire as it freezes back. I have fallen too many times and I can't do this once more, I am nothing now but its been so long since I hear the sounds of my dark heart but this time I will be listening. Ill consume my life to be without you.

I have so much to say

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 02:20:38 GMT

Man am so confused .... there are days when i am ok and I feel fine and other when I feel completely defeated, alone and sad. Last night while I was driving I broke down into tears out of nowhere and I started to cry for 30 minutes. Why does this process have to be like this? . . . I want to see him and talk to him and Yet i am forcing my self to push him away and I am super scared of that too.

It feels like it doesn't matter what anyone tells me, and i just cant get a hold of my emotions right now ..
I feel so unsure, and insecure ....

The sad night

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 08:42:56 GMT

How sorrowful this night can be
not having you by my side,
kiss your lips,
¡how sad it is !, not being able to...
touch your skin,
lightly caress you and hold you tight,
tight so hard...
to live in fullness this romance once again
hear your voice cry to me, I love you...

This I only know... that tonight, I miss you again
and you have no idea... what I... hurt for... loving you.

I have tried to give into my emotions
and I can't continue fooling my self, it simply is futile...
keep denying... that i love you, it's simply fruitless...
keep denying... that i love you.

Inside it grows everyday more,
the passion and feelings I have for you...
no feeling can ever compare...
to the lovely memory which lives inside me...

This I only know... that tonight, I miss you again
and you have no idea... what I... hurt for... loving you.

Possibly, Maybe

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 08:35:54 GMT

Maybe you simply didn't want this melody to sing to your soul
and i pushed you to remember
Possibly maybe, even though we are not together
You'll feel the air which passed through us

Possibly maybe you didn't want that the cowardness
of your heart to cure my soul
Possibly maybe you never stopped to think
to change your pride for my awakenings

because possibly maybe i am the one who's wrong
when I think that life has changed
and that it pushes me to see black for white,
the melancholy hasn't told me its over

It is not easy to forget
and I implore you to let me kiss you once more
to come back at night transformed into a dream
because it is not that easy, to leave your heart

Its not that easy to defy your love
and have some tie to a motive
to be the smile and the tears in your way

Maybe you simply didn't want this melody to speak to your soul
and i pushed you to remember
Because maybe I hoped you could change my skin
for one that had noting left of me

because possibly maybe i am the one who's wrong
when I think that life has changed
and that it pushes me to see black for white,
the melancholy hasn't told me its over
It hasn't been easy to forget
the want to come back to you in a dream
Because it is not that easy to defy your love.

Its not that easy to defy your love
and have some tie to a motive
and be the smile and the tears in your way

because possibly maybe i do not know how,
because it will be hard to forget what we were
because possibly maybe there is no way back
to see you as you once were
and now you see
I loved you with every corner of my self
I gave you the best of which i were
my dreams, my hopes, myself

and possibly maybe i simply do not know how to forget
how did you do it?
You have gotten stabbed to my chest
as if it were simply yesterday

Possibly maybe i do not know how to detach your kisses from my skin,
because now you are my new obsession
my torment, and what can i do to forget?
I know id give anything to hold you once again.

and then again I don't know
possibly maybe how to keep you inside
possibly maybe this is how i am to find my emptiness again

Possibly maybe love you without measure was my mistake
but it is almost impossible to try and understand my heart

And possibly maybe you were able to forget,
but to me you have been stabbed in my heart
as if today was yesterday

Possibly maybe i do not know how to detach your kisses from my skin,
because now you are my new obsession
my torment, and what can i do to forget?
I know id give anything to hold you once again.

I dedicated myself to loose you

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 08:13:08 GMT

Because i wasn't able to touch your soul
when i had the chance to
Because i didn't appreciate your smile
when it was in front of me

because it was me, blinded
to see how much it hurt me
and that I didn't know
how much it hurt you

How was it possible
that i didn't realized that you didn't smile
and that before turning off the lights
you had noting to say

that this love flew away
that finally the day had come
in which you didn't feel me near
and that it didn't even face you

I took my time in loosing you
and at times i absent my self
those times which are now gone
because i dedicated my self not to see you clearly

because i hid my self in my world
and there was no power to stop me
and i walked away many times
to try and walk back to find
that your love had flown away

and even though i tried to catch it
I realized that you looked at me differently
I took my time in loosing you
I took my time in pushing you away

Because there was noting in me to fill the void
because even when there was time
I wasn't able to comprehend
what until now i am able to understand

That even thou you were everything to me
and that I was blinded
I pushed you away
because of my stupid ego
letting me take my time to loosing you

I was afraid at times
times which are finally gone away
and because I didn't take the time
to see you for who you really are

I locked my self in my own world
and there was nothing to stop me
but by then I realized you looked at me differently
and by then you saw me through shadowy eyes
and because i took my time in loosing you

Sing once again lovely heart

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 07:57:36 GMT

Sing dreamer heart,
cuz my eyes have seen the shadows of love,
cuz i have dreamt his smile, cuz i have walked through his path,
cuz i have come and gone wanting to be happy.

Sing dreamy heart,
cuz the love of all my loves has already gone,
cuz the words that I have written for him have been sealed
with every kiss that I gave in

and with the time which i lived obstinate to him
and with your rain console his absence in the days to come
cuz i knew with time his love would die bringing me back
to the origin of despair

I told you singing, i told you face to face,
that without his kisses you wouldn't be able to start a day
and please get him out of this head
and get me out of despair

Sing you lovely heart,
that in this life it was written for me to be alone
we were beggining and end ,
a drop of water in the desert,
and even thou we hoped to be together like moon and sun
we ended chasing one an other in this cycle of a chase

I guess am out the door

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 01:04:09 GMT

i have been pushed out the door feeling like they don't want me around anymore, I guess am back on my own. As i walk all i can hear now is the sound of living without you. I loved you and I hated you, and yet as always I feel like i can't live without you; but why would you care?
What was I ?? was i the reason you smiled?? or was I the reason you pushed tears out? was it all a part of a plan? Even thou sometimes i felt like I tasted you and breathed you I must be out the door. Why were you not there for me when I was there for you ?
I tried my hardest until you raised the many questions inside your head....I guess this time i am going to find out for my self what it is to walk again. I don't know how I will fill the void that right now is inside of me eating this broken heart away. I am trying to think logically about how this part of life and how this will make me feel complete when it took a part of me. You thought you were protecting me and now I am going to end just like you; and thou I do not want to forget how you felt around me, I want to let it go.
I want to make it feel like a dream, and hide the emptiness and not let it show. I don't want to wonder what is wrong with me, I don't want to feel locked inside me, I don't want to feel like an other part of my soul has been ripped away.
But you always smiled even in the end, and made everything alright, your right this battle must be won even if we push it aside. We must face it no regrets, and know the circle will never end, just face it and stop the pretend. Ill take this time to realize that everyone always forces out a part out and that everything is always pushed until a point where it will never end. Just like the circle which never stops this hurt will come and find me again and all i can do is face it and catch my self; and even if i loose my self I should find my way and I must try to keep the road open wide.

WTF

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 06:40:22 GMT

Sometimes It just feels like life is really hard with no way to turn to ... no way to face other than the wall, i feel like I am grounded and not in the good way.

I just wanted someone to say it

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 06:39:55 GMT

Its true, I just wanted someone to say it ... so here I am, it will all be alright :)

Feeling the pain again

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 07:27:22 GMT

I know its been a few days since I can think about this and I know what it may bring. Like all men in this so called life there is a time when things simply happen why ? who knows i guess this could be the question of the century if not life itself.
I know i was to feel sad at some point I just never thought it would be like this. I know its wrong of me to give in to something so much, but i cant help it the other half is because that's simply me. At times I wish i could change it, since in the past it has brought turmoil to my life but what am i to do differently ? how to win an inside fight?

It is hard enough in Vegas to feel in touch with nature, with the world, with something other than yourself. Las Vegas is a city filled with many things lights, fun and adventure but it lacks the essence of life, of belonging ... I've discovered that in this drop of cosmos feeling a part of something is hard to do. It is also city where one can feel attracted and invited into many different things and still feel detached. Its easy to be in someones eyes one day and to be distanced the next. Like I used to be people here Build walls faster than the daily construction that happens here. Just like in this city one day a building is an idea and reality the next, one can be found to be a part of something just to feel pushed out the next.

Sometimes life can feel like such a trap, to make you want to scream and shout and have no ones ears around.
It makes you want to climb the walls which people build and ride the waves of despair simply to fall down again.
watching freedom from inside can be painful but the want and need cant be fought. Joy love happines is a high price to pay, be strong, be week, be it false, be it truth your mind makes the choice and enforces it too.
Hide the pain , wear the disguise dont let routine be what you're not let it be your guide and fuel for life, but let it not be what you are not.
The trick to all of this is how to difuse life without destroying its ride.

The reflection inside their eyes hurts and doesnt help at all,
it hurts you and hunts you when you feel like your ready to fall.
When they call you it feels like wanting to talk forever knowing well
that some silence will remain forever. How cruel of life to be so cunning
deciding whats to happen when the times are right. How easy is to feel entrapped by the chains of love lifes greatest treasure and cruelest course. The fire, the passion, the need , the want , the belonging and the drive to fight. Breathing, and longing, holding , seeing and not touching, holding not loving.

Oh wind speak to me once more, like the warm days when I used to hold.
Do you not sence my fear and doubt? Look down upon me from the teary night skies beneath the thousand stars heal not open my scars. Please recognize my heartfelt sights and let them drift as gentle rain. Simple wind seek my heart to an end.

I feel devastated, broken down, out of place, still wanting to belong yet feeling far away. My words hold no other than the reflection of my truth.
They arent as vibrant or fluent too. Oh i feel like crying many tears a day and yet am fighting to hold them in their place again. They burn inside me building up at random times wanting to burst as I fall in someones arms.
This feeling as bad as it is, is also a part of me. Am feeling lost and alone, and nowhere right now, I am falling with might, the worse feeling of it all is wanting to call that someones name out loud hoping to be heard from across the skies, to hope for them coming to catch you before you're down, having the burning of simply being inside their arms and having the fear of loving not being loved back, of leaving without having left, and the fear of loving and leaving, and being loved and being left.

It seems I wasn't strong enogh

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:07:46 GMT

It apears to be that I have failed. I thought I was strong, and I thought I would be able to tolerate the feelings, the emotions that come with all of the fights inside and outside. It hurts it really does to recognize how frail one can be. Looking back at how I used to be I realize I let someone get so close to me that I couldn't diferentiate between them and me and in doing so I mixed myself so much that in the end I turned into him. Now I hurt, now I need to comunicate, now I must feel, now I can't keep it in, now emotions and feelings gush out from me as if they had wings to fly. I used to be able to detach my self, or at least to be capable of keeping these things to my self, somehow work them out and in the end not get hurt..... and now I feel like a tamed mini version of someone who was once strong who's now feeling weak.
Since when was love supposed to do this? I can't help but to feel jaded and like from now on ill never be able to get back to being my self and I feel like finally I broke down.

I hate waking up with the feeling, you know the one that makes you wanna cry, the feeling inside your chest that presses down not letting you breathe, the feeling of being alone even when surrounded by people, the same feeling that eats your heart with every beat , that feeling which has stayed with me it chokes me at times and makes me feel so insecure. I don't want to blame anyone but my self and at the same time I want to blame every and anyone who's ever got close to me.

Why can't I brush things off like I used to? And why must this feeling stick with me? I hate being somewhere anywhere work, school, friends even out and randomly getting that feeling burning inside me boiling my tears out. Untop of that have you ever noticed that when your that sad you pay attention to small detaills anywhere ? Music getting to you because of the lyrics, or just people walking around, or just the wind?

I want to go back to being how I was , to dealing with problems my way....

I look back at things and I also realized I can't be giving anyone my all, I can't to try and solve everything and be more selfish than I am to think on me first and foremost, but to all of this I just needed to write to have time pass by, the shaking and the random crying was getting to me

THE B DAY

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 20:02:41 GMT

I am 24!!!!!

Well the B day party was a blast!!!! for those who don't know I had a Masquerade party! and we had about 100 guests! the party was a blast. Everyone ...well almost everyone had handmade masks which were entered into a contest to see who would make the best mask and win $100.00 bucks!
The people who showed up ranged from new friends to old old friedns and as usual random people whom i am not sure how they got there, but never the less it was fun. We had tons of drinks and even so people brought more bottles which by 4am where empty and being broken outside.
Mom made food, and a tequila punch which was called SILKY STALKINGS ! people loved it. We were supposed to have strippers but they cancelled on us ; and even so we had lots of fun. We had a Live DJ and contests. On my myspace I uploaded pictures so if you want to see some of the cool masks go there :)
To those who couldn't make it :( you missed one hell of a party but maybe next year you can try and come, next years party is already in the making :) so get ready people! 25 is bigger than 24 !

ThInGs

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 07:17:04 GMT

Friday and Saturday this weekend

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 22:36:38 GMT

Well as you know Vegas is the town of Entertainment, and this weekend I got my fill of it. Sure I had a though weekend in a personal way, but it was balanced by exiting things to do. Friday started really well, I woke up cleaned the house went to Target and the gym and around 7 I was getting ready to go see Le Reve; a show by Dragone at the Wynn. I got in a fight with someone, and that made me a little sad, but in the end we resolve the issue. Well the show was pretty cool, lots of acrobatics, diving, music, lights, etc. After the show my friends and I went to Krave and we had a really good time. I met a girl from Arizona who kept buying me drinks, I met an Actor from California, we exchanged numbers and said we would meet this week. I saw some people I knew etc.

Saturday was a bit of the same story but with different activities. I went to work at the shop with mom and I was out of it all day. I had something that made me think about my way of looking at things, and all day i was just deep in my head. Later that night I got ready and made my way to the MGM where a friend and I would meet to go see George Michael! ... He called me up and asked if I liked him , I said yes! and he asked If i wanted to go with him because he had tickets! I was exited and I said OF COURSE ... so we bought drinks, we got tipsy and we went to see George Which I must say is still a sexy beast! and puts on a good show. After that we met some of my friends and his friends and went to 8.5 for a little while until i called it quits and went home. :)

Sunday was the lazy day ... I was tired so i stayed home and slept lots, did laundry so yeah that was my weekend :)

OH YEAH AND THE BEST PART OF IT ALL IS ... THe person whom I got into a fight and I solved our problems Sunday night, we had a little one on one chat and I think everything will be alright now :)

LISTEN WELL

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 04:13:45 GMT

oK This Weekend was CraZee!

I have so much to write about ; good things, fun things, sad things and about something which happened to me which i am still trying to decide weather I should write about or not ... I don't have my mind made up just yet but know i am thinking about it :)

Cant sleep

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 09:10:54 GMT

Its now 2 am and i cant sleep because i am sad to the point of crying! i hate it

Still Hurts

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 07:59:17 GMT

So i know its Chris' B day today and I sent him a card to wish him well on his day; well today after a long time i went to see my space and was going to comment on his wall only to find out he is no longer my friend on there .... first I dont care much really for stuff like that and never have but it hurt inside. You know that pain in your chest you get when something gets to you? I felt it and I have to be honest its making me really sad. He seems happy from small hints I get and thats Great! i just feel like a huge important part of my life is just vanishing away. Its as though I lit a candle and the flame went out after the candle melted and now not even the vik exist. Its really sad to me to think of chris this way. Even now I care for him but ... well we werent meant and thats all there is to it. The smoke of what we were is no longer around and it makes me feel like i wasnt even worth that...

I think im really sad right now .... and I cant do anything to stop it.

So scary

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 07:44:48 GMT

Well thusday, friday and saturday i was in the hospital' well not like i was the one there to be treated but I have spent the last few nights visiting a friend; IT was scary... he had an astma attack and he couldn't breathe .. I don't like hospitals and above it all IT was the same Hospital I took my mom when she got sick. Still I was able to spend the night thursday and visit him the next two days. I hope it passes away soon and that he is ok

I cant believe i did this

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 07:52:14 GMT

You know those days when you just feel BLAH!??? well today was one of those for me. I am exited that i am almost done with school for the year but at the same time i am getting worried that I have no job.

Anyhow i think my sanity level is going out of whack! ... today , more like tonight I did something I never have done or thought i would... I decided to shower and at the same time i was in the mood for beer ... so !!!!!!!! I did both at the same time *giggles* and i had 3 beers by the time i finished the shower :) now I dont know if this is funny ?? or plain stupid?? or scary?? i really cant decide

WHat would You feel

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 20:33:25 GMT

AT times One feels a million years away, sundays sometimes are like that for me; but today it feels a little different. Its one of those days that after thinking on a specific worry you wake up and it vanishes for a little bit.

This last few days have been a lot of thinking; School is almost out and I am almost done with everything I needed to get done til the end of the year. That also makes me worried because I dont have a job and I am going to be broke. The job hunt is not really going well but I cant let me get too worried about that; instead i will keep positive and if anything ill clean houses if I have to.

Then the shop ... as usuall things are ok... busy and everyday liking doing hair more and more.

Dave is a little sad lately and He made me go out (well didnt force me but asked me to please please go ) and We did... we had some fun friday but by saturday i was really tired of the club! I also saw some guys i hadn't seen in a while. Ricky and his BF were out and i found that Ramon's mom had died which made things a bit un easy. OScar came out and he has been up to nothing I guess.
THis made me realize that i need to do something else with my life ... seriously.
I love going out .. but i think its starting to get really lame, I do like hanging out with people i know though :) We met this guy named JOE and he was PISSED DRUNK but made me laugh all night none stop lol so I think we will be seing more of him.
I really like drinking and playing pool with friends.

So what would i feel after all this? .... like anything and anyone, I have downer days, others i feel really sad , others i feel calm, others i am happy ... and I guess right now i am just in a pause with everything. Lastnight I was EMO with my self, I was playing Boggle and drinking wine after SUSHI! and i started to think about stuff ... and how my life was and how it completly changed again .. and where i am at right now. Its just so much all over that I cant believe where my whole life is going or how it changed so much .... but at least is sunny in precioous las Vegas :) and that helps me get moving on.

Ouch

Wed, 28 May 2008 23:15:27 GMT

Of course I was avoiding checking something because of what I may see ; but today I did and it just hurt a bit ... and seeing pictures of course all the memories came back to me, and I just feel so stupid when things like that happen.
I mean it hurts weather we want it to or not ... at least i saw one picture of a smile which made me feel a bit better, I mean even though ..... yeah ... maybe there is nothing to say; but it hurt.

USA Citizen

Wed, 28 May 2008 22:42:50 GMT

Today was the day of my Citizenship test and guess what guys?

I PASEED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am now officially a USA citizen WOO PEEE!!!

Do I feel different?? NO lol but at least its done and over with :)
Finally !

The new Song

Mon, 26 May 2008 16:45:37 GMT

THe new Alanis Song "Underneeath" --> must see
At first it was a bit ... how can we say it .. slow and a bit unlike her, but as the song moved on it started to pick up and eventually you find your self humming along to Aliani's heart problems turned into lyrics. NOw to those who will listen to this song you will develop a quick connection to this song; its powerful, with a great message and not only that , ITS ALANIS! and she does look way Hot on the video.
This song will take you back to the times when you wondered why there were so much termoil within your self, relationships and the world around you.

IN OTHER WORDS! WATCH IT!

Weekend Free

Sat, 24 May 2008 02:03:04 GMT

THe weekend free!!!

So whats has been happening ? lots ... first school has been getting really hectic since we are almost at the end of the school year, the kids are ready to kick teachers in the ass and so are we. I am getting really pushed by staff because they want me to do all the paper work and its lots of it.

OK!!!!!!!!!!! work DONE!

NOw school:
AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! thats school .. I have lots of fun and i have been meeting tons of girls that i am hanging out with. I am really doing lots of things at school .. i am getting some images prepared for everyone to see my up do's which i am super proud of. I am now able to do anything hair for women, color, perms, rollers, thermo, do's and cuts. It's awesome! and the best part of it all is that I school is a lot of fun so it goes by fast and by the im done i am feeling really good. THough that happens to some students and then they want to go out for drinks ... and ofcourse somehow i get mixed in the crowd and end up going along.

So Sam, Lil, and Gaby are these girls that i have been getting to know, Gabby loves to play board games and in the last few weeks we have been playing tons of board games. Lil likes to drink and Sam somehow ends up at the strip clubs lol so thats my life right now. I am mixing my self with the straight crowd and GIRLS! GIRLS GIRLS! I figured that way i would have fun, be away from anything that would possibly get me away from focus and so far its been fun, no expectations, etc.

I went to moon at the palms last week and it was AWESOME! i was able to get VIP because it was GABBY"S B day! and it was just a fantastic time.

Now MOnday is off because its a holiday and I think i may take a small road trip around here :)

OK so yeah .. lets see this weekend plans? Movie!! i am so going to the movies what to see not sure yet, tonight there is a party am going to and tomorrow the shop; after work who knows, sunday road trip! and ill be back monday :)