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Its time to suit up

It is time to suit up and begin the fight; it is time for me to stand my own and fight myself for much around me depends on the strength to keep the boat afloat.  Me, Myself and I with someone by my side. To surrender is not an option but to push on through is now a must. 


There is so much I do not understand;
I know that being sad is something we all do, but sometimes when it happens to me it grabs a hold of me completely making me feel so vulnerable that I get emotional and over think. Some times I wonder if its because of all I know, or that I don't yet.
At times I feel i am in control of things; and I feel secure and other times I feel like things are so out of my control that it makes me feel like there is little else for me to try and do. Someone once said to me to let life happen on its own and hope that all we do leads us to where we want to be. That is why it is important to pay attention to everything.
I wake up wishing for nothing but the best I can do and be.

I remember the things I said I was set out to do, the goals, the happy moments and even tho things are difficult I feel drained. It affects me and what is around me; I try to let it be and once again my emotions take me for a ride and spin me out of my mind. Today at work I felt like everything i was doing was clouded by something that I once thought motivated me to be better. To belong somewhere is always difficult .... this I know; but I thought maybe I can make a difference. Today my energy was also low ... and it dragged me down; I feel like after being so strong suddenly I weakened and didn't know what to do.

Not everything is as easy as I often make it out to be but still with hope I look for what may be. Pulled in so many different directions I felt like a tiny stretch more may brake me. I also brought this with me into my home making my relationship hurt a little. I am afraid I go into shorts spurts of good followed by a huge down and I don't want that for my home; but how can I control my emotions? How can I allow myself to have feelings and not get in the way?
lately my personal insecurities with weight and affection made me feel like I was maybe not doing something right, or like maybe the problem was me .... I want to have communication with the one who has stood by me but I feel like the communication may sometimes be good and others not so .... I often wonder if the world around me is what i think it is... or if I naively believe it all to be moving with me.

I need a little break from life.. i need it to cut me some slack, I need it to not fill the water up so high, every day I am hopeful for something to happen .... and slowly i wait but i need some encouragement from somewhere when in moments like this I feel so hopeless. I need support, motivation, love, encouragement, warmth ... I may be strong but even the strongest pillar may tilt or erode after an earthquake. Where does this feeling that I am not worth enough, or that I am not deserving of good, comes from? I fight it often and I remind myself of all the great I can do ... but even then somehow I end up pondering if I deserve what I have?

Its almost 3am ... I cant sleep because I have been thinking and reflecting about my last few months that I have lived secluded from people and I finally felt like it all made sense. As you know either i have sad reflections about life and dwell on them or point out some life truth that everyone knows; but this entry is different and perhaps its so different that I may not sound like myself. I also must remind anyone whos reading this that the last year of my life has like always been challenged by life in so many different ways that to write them all would take a long time. I will attempt to express how I feel sharing key important things that happened since a year ago; and tho things may not be clear to all; for me writing tonight is again a reflection that is very dear to me and will stick in my mind forever.

Sometimes i wondered why i stopped writing since i love putting my own thoughts in words; but for a while the passion to share and motivation had vanish. Today however my writing muse must have finally hit me hard to the point of not being able to sleep and have a desire to write and let some of my feelings out. AT times i forget that even tho I may not always have people to listen to me ramble and ramble about something im thinking, ill always have myself to re read my own words and understand the why's, then be filled with emotions and finally start a new the following morning.  

Its not often that I get the desire to write and stay up all night and i must admit I miss writing. For a while I felt like if i shared my feelings on here it may harm more than it would help; but its the times like tonight that made me feel a need to do it and let a lot of what i haven't shared.

I was working towards something that was much greater than I was and I had a path, but suddenly a cloud of mist faded the path and I found myself lost in the middle of a fog too deep for me to see through.  During this time of the year I felt like i was moving through the motions and living life day by day without a goal or a hope to fulfill. Suddenly i found myself doubting ideals, and questioning everything i had known until that point. I learned that searching for your own answers sometimes take much longer than expect it and its much more challenging than I had anticipated.

Like every lesson that life throws at you it also sends good, bad and all in between. I wont make this post sad nostalgic because that is not the intent. It is a great feeling to be able to reflect, look back be content with the choices made to that point and laugh at what has passed. The today is here and tomorrow is yet to be lived. I know life is not easy and it never was and each challenge gets easier to understand, surpass and ultimately forgive. Amongst even the deepest darkest fog a new road may be found. I keep being amazed at life and all the lessons that we are reminded of day by day and new lessons we had not yet been taught but once lived it you realize all has a purpose and something value to learn about. Even the saddest tears mean something and must be released from within to feel it wash your worries away.

I used to complain that not many things around me were good; but i was failing to see that besides the bad there was much more good. I was too deaf to listen to the hints that life whispers in your ear and i was too filled with self doubt to trust. So i learned to close my eyes, and let life guide me through clear or fogged paths. I learned that moving forward is all we can do to find a new way or to leave the past behind. Life is filled with little joys that not many know how to enjoy (my self in the past) but once you become receptive to the signs that life sends your way to remind you that there is much more road to walk you begin to let go and look ahead to what is next. I always fought for freedom from myself and I think i am finally beginning to remember who I was and what I was meant to be. I also accepted that without dark there is no light and even the smallest tiniest star compared to the immense universe must shine to complete the picture of the sky. 

Today life reminded me that hard work and hope has greater pay offs than despair and hate. I once again found love in a place I least expect it and it re lit and sparked my spirits. I was glad to always hold on to faith and hope because as time passed someone greater and unique touched my life, allowed me into his and as of now day by day keeps amazing me with all he is. All the tears and dark times we shared together were needed to create a bright and shiny  new start. I doubted that I would feel like this for many years; and i began to forget what it meant to stand tall, proud and never ashamed of who we are.

Everything i do now a days feels better. I must say that this enlightenment or revelation was not achieved through just my self but with the help of people who have crossed my path and shared with me some of what they know. I feel like a white cloud finally shines amongst the storm that even in its own way is beautiful as much as is destructive. The heart that I once felt closing has now released its grip and I feel my heart beat again. 

I am lucky to have lived my life as I have and I wouldn't take any of it back; I now know what it means to let life be and the freedom it comes with. I also know now that its not all for me but for everything around me. I can not change what is and was but what I can do is accept at full force what is to be and walk into a future filled with uncertainties with bravery and ready to feel all it will offer. I see that even tho we live in a world clouded by all believes that it is only a part of what we do and why fight something that must happen? why not open up your arms embrace the great things, the not so great and even the falls that happen along the way for a look into the ground once in a while reminds you that you are capable of getting back up. I was always filled with love for those around me and now i am filled with that plus more. I am only capable of sharing what I can and learn from the rest as they do the same.

I also learned to open my eyes and heart and see through souls and see the good before all the bad. People often forget that they are responsible for all that happens around them. NO one wants to feel victimized because its harder to be honest and truthful to not just our selves but everyone else. All feelings all negative energy begins small and feeds off others until its strong enough to bring them down, but it is in our nature to fight, and to try and find the best of us against all blows; the truth is always out there and we may want to cover it but it will find a way to be known.

My truth came to me in a shape of a man who has done nothing but support me and compliment who i am; he's held me up when i feel down, hes shown compassion, love and care and all while I did the same in return with nothing more than love. I am not perfect and i will make mistakes but i have made enough in the past to know better and learn to stand by it all for only life can tell what will be and even the wisest can not say the future is certain and written in stone. Ive made my pledge to myself and I will honor all I do, I will appreciate all around me, I will fight til the end to protect what good is around me without selfishness and mistrust. I give my self to him all and all good and bad because all of it makes the entire entity. I will not impose my self onto anything other than me for i am only responsible for my part, and ill trust that all i do has a meaning and purpose; I am capable now to not stand on my own alone but to stand for me with the support of him who has shown me all i once was afraid I would never have. I can not say when was the last time i was filled with such peace, such calmness and such love. I am amazed day by day of all that has become and I try to live up to what is expected of me. I am thankful for all that has happened, i am glad to be here and I am smiling because of all that is around me. All in all Thank YOU steaks for showing me this and i am ready and can not wait to see what is next .... with much love always from now on ....

As time teaches us

It is often that I wonder about life in general. I then sit on the benches of life and stare carefully at the people around me as I study their actions, emotions, likes and dislikes ... and then I compare them to what has or is going through my head. 
I am not sure how to write this now a days, but something somehow has put me to the test. 

I have always felt tested by the fates, and chained by the ropes of hardship as it seems i am still; but this time something is much more different. Thinking back at my life and the many bumps I have had to endure I realized that many of the things I payed attention to and that i tried to control were simply limitations to my own growth. I sometimes try to remember the many feeling that used to push me down to my knees and pull the tears out of my eye sockets, and tho many a times I look back at time wondering where will all those things lead me .... I now feel that some questions have not yet been answered but now the difference is that i am not looking for the answers. 

I suppose we all have to live life with its ups and downs to achieve some state of enrichment. Life is as always been for me still hard and yet I am currently happy, curios, alive, and filled with many wonders. 

... in fact I think i will write the rest of this post in a while ... when i have a more in tune mind to heart state for words..
As life has it's moments I have mine. I can not remember the last time I've felt this much all at once and again am feeling empty, lifeless, doubtful, sad, alone, let down, contradicted, am loosing all I had.
Am feeling still somewhat sad about how things are turning out. I know its what is supposed to happen; at least this time I am not letting it crumble me into a million tiny little pieces. The day went on slow; and even tho I kept most of the thoughts out of my head I couldn't help but once in a while get a lil nostalgic. 

This is however the first time that a break is not as crushing as it was in the past. Even tho this could mean that Ill never see or speak or share something else its also been the first time I was civil with someone. I am still feeling weird about being around; it feels like every wall is watching me and my room suddenly feels like a hotel room where i have spent a few too many days longer than I should have. For once I cant see the warmth of the color in the walls. I wonder what will come next? 

People believe am a relationship kind a guy but as time goes on I really have to wonder. 

I took the steps today to figure out my next move; and even tho i thought it would be easier I suppose I should have known it wasn't going to be. 

I can not deny my part on this disaster; but this is a time I never had and this will be a time I will take for something I should have done a long time ago but i am very much afraid of what I will find there.  Only way to go about this is to hope for the best. 
Even tho time has a way to change people I wonder how I too will change??  I wonder if Ill really do all things I say i wanted to do? I wonder if ill laugh or if ill be lonely or if ill be living on the edge? will this be a test that ill barely pass ? 

I am scared I cant deny that; but I am curious to see what am made out of?
I want to learn a few things while all of this happens; I want to have a time of neglect; I want to spend some time neglecting everything am not supposed to, right now somehow I feel all alone at what i thought was supposed to be the top

( I wonder how much do I really think of myself?) 
at what age am I supposed to look back at my self being proud of what I've done, sometimes i feel tired of having accomplished nothing, and at other times i wonder if anyone will like to be around for me as me with me with no regrets no judgement and even tho someone once told me that people earn respect and they earn others feelings I have to ask ... if that is so what about all the good things I do, and if I compare the good with the bad is it equal ? or lower or higher? 
You know thinking about it ;I've always given in, and most of the times I do as I am expected trying not to be selfish but what if for once I do as I want? emotionally damaged and emotionally unavailable emotionally emotionally pressured emotionally broken emotionally abusive emotionally explosive emotionally dependent emotionally scared

i wonder why even if other things around me go well how come things never work out for me ? do i have to be selfish and disliked to be someone to shine ? I know I have always wanted to be liked and I go out of my way to fulfill this needy tendency of me I cant keep up with this turning of faces while I try to let others get the chance to hurt me and desert me. This time ill be much braver and if no one else can save me ill be the hand to reach or maybe ill have to stand on my own two feet. Im tired of asking others to try and understand my biggest fault and expecting them to share this with me. I may just be the greatest supervillain of my so called comic world; and as I am seeing things, there wont be a way for others to let me love when they cant love something am not. 
And there you go again wanting my freedom while I don't even know what that means for me; but this time ill listen even if all i have to listen to is the lonely sounds of my mind. maybe what i know is nothing at all; but good things must happen after we fall. Things, people, feelings they all come and go.... 
even if everyone thinks am such a bad person no one really realizes that all I've done is fall down but not this time am not going down again. I've never known what it means to completely win because I've chazed falling starts time and time again. I've aimed too high ... I've found great people whom compared to me are in a different plain, and tho am not putting myself down I've seen that for them i would do so much more but I wonder what people would do for me; even the words they say to me compare little to the way I say them to them because maybe when I say them i wish the words for myself. 

if other people are so good at protecting their feelings why can't I? and when others say i am crazy its not like they are telling me things i don't already know. who knows if all this things I do are the right thing to do ? If I could I would change my entire world but little by little I see I am taking it apart on my own destructive way and I wonder why everything turns around.  Somehow , someday I'll open up and things will shine in a different way and I hope that when the truth is all out that everyone finally feels happy. I know many don't even believe that all the things Im saying are may or will be true but each day I feel a little bit better than before and tho I used to look back I wont anymore. The yesterdays are gone and while the tomorrows aren't here Ill just keep on...and now i am rambling about maybe nothing at all but for now even if I am of a dark nature or incapable of completely understanding such things as Love ... for now I am what I am and I am who i am with the hopes of someday be redeemed. 


the disconnected connection

 Hard to say what will happen ever in life, it seems that no matter how you walk sometimes you simply trip. Maybe it was because I was trying to run when I could barely crawl; still I have to promise myself one thing; I CAN NOT FALL APART AGAIN.

I cant say that I've ever done even the simplest thing right, somehow I always go about things the difficult way. I wish i could say life is fine, but its not. Sometimes I feel like such a fool for thinking I am not insane, but clearly i am still standing here, same problems different place. I'm still in pain; so i stood all alone and cold but thats alright. Life can knock me down and beat me up but if I liked roller-coasters I guess this should be ok. 

It seem I leave my wounds unhealed and tho i could say I am sorry what is there for me to do when life alone is beyond me; hope that things will be alright?? and still there is so much more to learn; sometimes it seems people do try to reach but how could I carry this weight ? how could I survive such tests? and im sure it wont be long before the next time to see disfunction. 

Sadness kills even the lightest feeling of hope. You may show up and even then ill always feel the scared part that everyone will desert me. Even tho my memories may be warmed up with feeling that run deep ; strangely ill still be afraid to be deserted once again. One thing is i suppose sure; nothing lasts forever but that doesn't mean that I am not still feeling like I am falling; still who can I blame? every time things seem so much far away. 

It hurts to thing about it but this just may be the only way. Like a lost soul I may always wonder the empty roads of life feeling like a ghost of million faces, no need to be kind about it; every time I watch myself in the mirror i see a different face. Sometimes I too feel afraid that like a cameleon ill always change, and tho i wish i could cry about it I also know I could never move on forward with this capacity to change. I know now what many or few will say; but what's the use of crying about it. I just know that if I keep doing this ill always wind up back in front of this red door. 

i used to ... no correction i still keep this things secrets and as I see myself get up and walk a road everyday i can only say the feeling always comes over me and fills me of no hope and even if I know that I don't know who am i .... how could I keep this a secret. I always thought I knew how to go about changing colors and go around the roads, but when I feel close I see I am not there yet. Maybe everyone has a dark secret but can they always keep in secret? ..... maybe no one can.

Secrets may not last forever but it is easy to change them into small realities that may break I dunno, but can you care about them if you don't know what the outcomes may be ? but for me this has always been the only way. The memories I find here and there may sometimes patch the gaps that I get when I fall sleep. 

Maybe if i try this game one more time, but what if i can barely face you? If i am not here or if i am still stuck inside my mind. If you cant hear me ill try to be next around and if i can hardly speak a word of something to say, to think that i may see a light again; but what if i again see the dark path i nearly take every time. But do i have a choice? how will I ever find a way not so harsh? and without being afraid even if its just to mix all of this mess?

If you ever cant hear my voice just remember that I still live in the emotions and if it is my fault just remember if no one else can hear me and you aren't home, and even if i feel the pain again just remember the basic facts. When i was trying this time around i was ok but that is just a lil adventure ; after this I know there may not be a next show. Even if I was too eager to satisfy you i see i was chosen to stay behind, and tho sometimes change requires fire I see ours got out hand and I couldn't walk besides you and you've chosen to stay behind me. 

All i can do is figure out myself and trying to start feeling myself ; maybe it will always hurt me. I probably did that wrong. what if i cant do that again, ill be afraid or maybe i wont even mind. Its all my fault I've choozen to cut all my strings loose and tho its not fair Im trying to figure out what to say. i feel like i would have been but you better make up your mind because its now or never. You shut me out and i cant hold a grudge because you were almost perfect but still you weren't fair. i feel like I've lost my mind and you cant turn me back. I hope for nothing but the best its all your and mine fault but im running out of hair and i don't feel its fair.

someday Ill be a ghost forgetting I was fighting for all of this and maybe ill burn for my sins but for for now this is all i am ; a guy who believes, so long to the stars. All I knew was that I didn't fit around you and you were filled with doubt. until i do find what i am today ill always be fading into the least. 
How well did you play your part, see you were all so sweet but how you said the uncertanties you thought changed our life.

even now I feel you under my skin and a burning i wasn't used to feel in you, and maybe ill for the rest of my life ill feel you around me i can say that if even i hear you whisper you love me I don't think ill fade onto that secret place with you because right now I feel alone and alive. even if i was holding onto something around me i could be always sad and like everyone before you said they wouldn't leave I guess they all did. 

I have a bad feeling about this; it maybe be the longest road and all i can do is keep on walking unhappy with my childhood behind and with my youth slowly fading into gray. I promise ill keep it rolling even tho I have a bad feeling because 'i am not sure where or how or what to hold on .... but don't worry about me because all i want to do is thank you for all the fights, the lonely nights and if it takes me a long time to roll and to keep strong as i hold on Ill keep rolling and moving on and even if it means it will take me a long long road to happiness.

and now nothing else i can say will change what's already been done and if we had good times i can say i ever meant to hurt you, and tho at times we felt in sick and now we don't what else can i say? I wish youd never looked at me that way. I do care but things got complicated and if something keeps telling me something is wrong there is very little i can say do or .. the sun will still keep on shinning and the air will be be hitting my skin as the sky turns shades of blue and purple and everything is going to be alright. ... maybe if is just for  now . who knows if everything will be alright but at the least the sun and the moon will still keep shinning and even if i am stuck on you who knows maybe ill always have in mi mind paralyzed holding onto the things you made me do because from now you too maybe in inside of me. 

and if i feel one of my best friends, seeing as you seem to letting go please dont start explaining because im sure ill hurt our memories. still why all this things come on an end?


Feeling the numbers

It's been a really long time since I pay attention to things like age, I haven't felt like I was moving forward but today ....

Today I woke up,looked at the mirror and felt my age. I felt it creeping up slowly and I saw details I haven't noticed before.

I saw the spots darkening my skin, I saw the lines that weren't used to be there, I saw silver hair rooting from my skin, and all of it made me feel so nostalgic.

I guess we never know how to hide the truth from everybody because eventually they can see as we slowly go down...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


Felt this way

How do you tell your mind 
to stop liking someone 
when your heart still does?

Have u ever felt that 
moving on was easy if u didn't look back?
But knowing what you left behind 
Was what Made it so hard?

Our memories are a way of holding on 
to the things you loved and still love
the things you are 
and the things you never want to lose..

In-between those memories theres always that one guy that you will always go back to. Even though you date other people in between or even after you always in the back of your mind hope to run into that guy

You must embrace pain and heartbreak and burn it as fuel for your new journey!
for even if your intentions weren't to get here; you are, and what is left but to let the fire burn and wish yourself and for them the best

Close your Eyes and ill close Mine

Then and there we used to be and we cant change; all these crazy thought I swear;
I wonder a lot of times of what is it that makes me go every day.  At times i wonder what or where souls are

People tell me not to stray from the path, but i have to ask, what path? and is it the same for them as it is for me?
I have learn so many different things in the last few years;

This one thing lol it makes me laugh when i think about it just because its silly; I think i know why its harder to cry as we grow older. I believe that while we are still young and inexperienced we arent sure how to control our emotions. Instead of being calm about the things we feel and analyze them before acting on them while we are young we simply let all of those feeling come out. 

Being aware of your surroundings and your emotions is something that comes with age and for me I suppose this explains why it seems harder to cry as we mature.  I used to think straight guys were just pretending not to feel emotions while i was young, now i think they are simply a little ahead of the game at a much younger age compared to people like me, like me : a complete emotional wreck lol and impulsive and explosive canon of emotions

Once again why am i writing of this ? well again ... i dunno if this is true or if this is just my personal way to try and explain somethings. I would like to feel with much more passion again and yet it seems it gets harder and harder everyday.
My dad told me that this is what he calls maturity ... but to me it feels like numbness. Then again when we are young we tell our friends that old peeps simply don't connect or can't understand.
While the whole time they knew from the beginning that its just part of the way we come to be. 

Life seems so boring at times .... and i mean that in a good way; I wonder how much or how many other emotions am supposed to learn??  Know what else ?? LMAO i am thinking of a time when someone told me I SIMPLY TRIVE IN SADNESS ..... well it came to mind because when we are sad we let so much more out, we arent as rational and we are full of feelings.
I suppose who ever said that to me was 1/2 right and 1/2 right again ... had i've been an artist I believe i could have used this for my gain, and since i am not ... lol I use that pain or sadness to fuel me for a lil while , and then things are good and i am complacent , and then again i get bored and BOOM! gatta get sad about something else and everything in between.

Dont you see how SILLY life is ????   

where do we come from?
and why do we loose our faith?
maybe we are supposed to find our better self
or maybe we are meant to destroy it

aren't we really strangers to ourselves?
and yet again, does anyone really care? 
what is really left of me??