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I am not sure how to write this now a days, but something somehow has put me to the test.
I have always felt tested by the fates, and chained by the ropes of hardship as it seems i am still; but this time something is much more different. Thinking back at my life and the many bumps I have had to endure I realized that many of the things I payed attention to and that i tried to control were simply limitations to my own growth. I sometimes try to remember the many feeling that used to push me down to my knees and pull the tears out of my eye sockets, and tho many a times I look back at time wondering where will all those things lead me .... I now feel that some questions have not yet been answered but now the difference is that i am not looking for the answers.
I suppose we all have to live life with its ups and downs to achieve some state of enrichment. Life is as always been for me still hard and yet I am currently happy, curios, alive, and filled with many wonders.
... in fact I think i will write the rest of this post in a while ... when i have a more in tune mind to heart state for words..
- Location:Home
- Mood:
content - Music:Steaks Music List
- Mood:
blank
This is however the first time that a break is not as crushing as it was in the past. Even tho this could mean that Ill never see or speak or share something else its also been the first time I was civil with someone. I am still feeling weird about being around; it feels like every wall is watching me and my room suddenly feels like a hotel room where i have spent a few too many days longer than I should have. For once I cant see the warmth of the color in the walls. I wonder what will come next?
People believe am a relationship kind a guy but as time goes on I really have to wonder.
I took the steps today to figure out my next move; and even tho i thought it would be easier I suppose I should have known it wasn't going to be.
I can not deny my part on this disaster; but this is a time I never had and this will be a time I will take for something I should have done a long time ago but i am very much afraid of what I will find there. Only way to go about this is to hope for the best.
Even tho time has a way to change people I wonder how I too will change?? I wonder if Ill really do all things I say i wanted to do? I wonder if ill laugh or if ill be lonely or if ill be living on the edge? will this be a test that ill barely pass ?
I am scared I cant deny that; but I am curious to see what am made out of?
I want to learn a few things while all of this happens; I want to have a time of neglect; I want to spend some time neglecting everything am not supposed to, right now somehow I feel all alone at what i thought was supposed to be the top
( I wonder how much do I really think of myself?)
at what age am I supposed to look back at my self being proud of what I've done, sometimes i feel tired of having accomplished nothing, and at other times i wonder if anyone will like to be around for me as me with me with no regrets no judgement and even tho someone once told me that people earn respect and they earn others feelings I have to ask ... if that is so what about all the good things I do, and if I compare the good with the bad is it equal ? or lower or higher?
You know thinking about it ;I've always given in, and most of the times I do as I am expected trying not to be selfish but what if for once I do as I want? emotionally damaged and emotionally unavailable emotionally emotionally pressured emotionally broken emotionally abusive emotionally explosive emotionally dependent emotionally scared
i wonder why even if other things around me go well how come things never work out for me ? do i have to be selfish and disliked to be someone to shine ? I know I have always wanted to be liked and I go out of my way to fulfill this needy tendency of me I cant keep up with this turning of faces while I try to let others get the chance to hurt me and desert me. This time ill be much braver and if no one else can save me ill be the hand to reach or maybe ill have to stand on my own two feet. Im tired of asking others to try and understand my biggest fault and expecting them to share this with me. I may just be the greatest supervillain of my so called comic world; and as I am seeing things, there wont be a way for others to let me love when they cant love something am not.
And there you go again wanting my freedom while I don't even know what that means for me; but this time ill listen even if all i have to listen to is the lonely sounds of my mind. maybe what i know is nothing at all; but good things must happen after we fall. Things, people, feelings they all come and go....
even if everyone thinks am such a bad person no one really realizes that all I've done is fall down but not this time am not going down again. I've never known what it means to completely win because I've chazed falling starts time and time again. I've aimed too high ... I've found great people whom compared to me are in a different plain, and tho am not putting myself down I've seen that for them i would do so much more but I wonder what people would do for me; even the words they say to me compare little to the way I say them to them because maybe when I say them i wish the words for myself.
if other people are so good at protecting their feelings why can't I? and when others say i am crazy its not like they are telling me things i don't already know. who knows if all this things I do are the right thing to do ? If I could I would change my entire world but little by little I see I am taking it apart on my own destructive way and I wonder why everything turns around. Somehow , someday I'll open up and things will shine in a different way and I hope that when the truth is all out that everyone finally feels happy. I know many don't even believe that all the things Im saying are may or will be true but each day I feel a little bit better than before and tho I used to look back I wont anymore. The yesterdays are gone and while the tomorrows aren't here Ill just keep on...and now i am rambling about maybe nothing at all but for now even if I am of a dark nature or incapable of completely understanding such things as Love ... for now I am what I am and I am who i am with the hopes of someday be redeemed.
- Mood:
confused
I cant say that I've ever done even the simplest thing right, somehow I always go about things the difficult way. I wish i could say life is fine, but its not. Sometimes I feel like such a fool for thinking I am not insane, but clearly i am still standing here, same problems different place. I'm still in pain; so i stood all alone and cold but thats alright. Life can knock me down and beat me up but if I liked roller-coasters I guess this should be ok.
It seem I leave my wounds unhealed and tho i could say I am sorry what is there for me to do when life alone is beyond me; hope that things will be alright?? and still there is so much more to learn; sometimes it seems people do try to reach but how could I carry this weight ? how could I survive such tests? and im sure it wont be long before the next time to see disfunction.
Sadness kills even the lightest feeling of hope. You may show up and even then ill always feel the scared part that everyone will desert me. Even tho my memories may be warmed up with feeling that run deep ; strangely ill still be afraid to be deserted once again. One thing is i suppose sure; nothing lasts forever but that doesn't mean that I am not still feeling like I am falling; still who can I blame? every time things seem so much far away.
It hurts to thing about it but this just may be the only way. Like a lost soul I may always wonder the empty roads of life feeling like a ghost of million faces, no need to be kind about it; every time I watch myself in the mirror i see a different face. Sometimes I too feel afraid that like a cameleon ill always change, and tho i wish i could cry about it I also know I could never move on forward with this capacity to change. I know now what many or few will say; but what's the use of crying about it. I just know that if I keep doing this ill always wind up back in front of this red door.
i used to ... no correction i still keep this things secrets and as I see myself get up and walk a road everyday i can only say the feeling always comes over me and fills me of no hope and even if I know that I don't know who am i .... how could I keep this a secret. I always thought I knew how to go about changing colors and go around the roads, but when I feel close I see I am not there yet. Maybe everyone has a dark secret but can they always keep in secret? ..... maybe no one can.
Secrets may not last forever but it is easy to change them into small realities that may break I dunno, but can you care about them if you don't know what the outcomes may be ? but for me this has always been the only way. The memories I find here and there may sometimes patch the gaps that I get when I fall sleep.
Maybe if i try this game one more time, but what if i can barely face you? If i am not here or if i am still stuck inside my mind. If you cant hear me ill try to be next around and if i can hardly speak a word of something to say, to think that i may see a light again; but what if i again see the dark path i nearly take every time. But do i have a choice? how will I ever find a way not so harsh? and without being afraid even if its just to mix all of this mess?
If you ever cant hear my voice just remember that I still live in the emotions and if it is my fault just remember if no one else can hear me and you aren't home, and even if i feel the pain again just remember the basic facts. When i was trying this time around i was ok but that is just a lil adventure ; after this I know there may not be a next show. Even if I was too eager to satisfy you i see i was chosen to stay behind, and tho sometimes change requires fire I see ours got out hand and I couldn't walk besides you and you've chosen to stay behind me.
All i can do is figure out myself and trying to start feeling myself ; maybe it will always hurt me. I probably did that wrong. what if i cant do that again, ill be afraid or maybe i wont even mind. Its all my fault I've choozen to cut all my strings loose and tho its not fair Im trying to figure out what to say. i feel like i would have been but you better make up your mind because its now or never. You shut me out and i cant hold a grudge because you were almost perfect but still you weren't fair. i feel like I've lost my mind and you cant turn me back. I hope for nothing but the best its all your and mine fault but im running out of hair and i don't feel its fair.
How well did you play your part, see you were all so sweet but how you said the uncertanties you thought changed our life.
even now I feel you under my skin and a burning i wasn't used to feel in you, and maybe ill for the rest of my life ill feel you around me i can say that if even i hear you whisper you love me I don't think ill fade onto that secret place with you because right now I feel alone and alive. even if i was holding onto something around me i could be always sad and like everyone before you said they wouldn't leave I guess they all did.
I have a bad feeling about this; it maybe be the longest road and all i can do is keep on walking unhappy with my childhood behind and with my youth slowly fading into gray. I promise ill keep it rolling even tho I have a bad feeling because 'i am not sure where or how or what to hold on .... but don't worry about me because all i want to do is thank you for all the fights, the lonely nights and if it takes me a long time to roll and to keep strong as i hold on Ill keep rolling and moving on and even if it means it will take me a long long road to happiness.
and now nothing else i can say will change what's already been done and if we had good times i can say i ever meant to hurt you, and tho at times we felt in sick and now we don't what else can i say? I wish youd never looked at me that way. I do care but things got complicated and if something keeps telling me something is wrong there is very little i can say do or .. the sun will still keep on shinning and the air will be be hitting my skin as the sky turns shades of blue and purple and everything is going to be alright. ... maybe if is just for now . who knows if everything will be alright but at the least the sun and the moon will still keep shinning and even if i am stuck on you who knows maybe ill always have in mi mind paralyzed holding onto the things you made me do because from now you too maybe in inside of me.
and if i feel one of my best friends, seeing as you seem to letting go please dont start explaining because im sure ill hurt our memories. still why all this things come on an end?
- Location:dark room
- Mood:
numb
It's been a really long time since I pay attention to things like age, I haven't felt like I was moving forward but today ....
Today I woke up,looked at the mirror and felt my age. I felt it creeping up slowly and I saw details I haven't noticed before.
I saw the spots darkening my skin, I saw the lines that weren't used to be there, I saw silver hair rooting from my skin, and all of it made me feel so nostalgic.
I guess we never know how to hide the truth from everybody because eventually they can see as we slowly go down...
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
to stop liking someone
when your heart still does?
Have u ever felt that
moving on was easy if u didn't look back?
But knowing what you left behind
Was what Made it so hard?
Our memories are a way of holding on
to the things you loved and still love
the things you are
and the things you never want to lose..
In-between those memories theres always that one guy that you will always go back to. Even though you date other people in between or even after you always in the back of your mind hope to run into that guy
You must embrace pain and heartbreak and burn it as fuel for your new journey!
for even if your intentions weren't to get here; you are, and what is left but to let the fire burn and wish yourself and for them the best
- Location:Here and back there
- Mood:
grateful - Music:21
Then and there we used to be and we cant change; all these crazy thought I swear;
I wonder a lot of times of what is it that makes me go every day. At times i wonder what or where souls are
People tell me not to stray from the path, but i have to ask, what path? and is it the same for them as it is for me?
I have learn so many different things in the last few years;
This one thing lol it makes me laugh when i think about it just because its silly; I think i know why its harder to cry as we grow older. I believe that while we are still young and inexperienced we arent sure how to control our emotions. Instead of being calm about the things we feel and analyze them before acting on them while we are young we simply let all of those feeling come out.
Being aware of your surroundings and your emotions is something that comes with age and for me I suppose this explains why it seems harder to cry as we mature. I used to think straight guys were just pretending not to feel emotions while i was young, now i think they are simply a little ahead of the game at a much younger age compared to people like me, like me : a complete emotional wreck lol and impulsive and explosive canon of emotions
Once again why am i writing of this ? well again ... i dunno if this is true or if this is just my personal way to try and explain somethings. I would like to feel with much more passion again and yet it seems it gets harder and harder everyday.
My dad told me that this is what he calls maturity ... but to me it feels like numbness. Then again when we are young we tell our friends that old peeps simply don't connect or can't understand.
While the whole time they knew from the beginning that its just part of the way we come to be.
Life seems so boring at times .... and i mean that in a good way; I wonder how much or how many other emotions am supposed to learn?? Know what else ?? LMAO i am thinking of a time when someone told me I SIMPLY TRIVE IN SADNESS ..... well it came to mind because when we are sad we let so much more out, we arent as rational and we are full of feelings.
I suppose who ever said that to me was 1/2 right and 1/2 right again ... had i've been an artist I believe i could have used this for my gain, and since i am not ... lol I use that pain or sadness to fuel me for a lil while , and then things are good and i am complacent , and then again i get bored and BOOM! gatta get sad about something else and everything in between.
Dont you see how SILLY life is ????
where do we come from?
and why do we loose our faith?
maybe we are supposed to find our better self
or maybe we are meant to destroy it
aren't we really strangers to ourselves?
and yet again, does anyone really care?
what is really left of me??
- Location:my office
- Mood:
okay - Music:Amy Winehouse
I try day by day to be a better man, but day to day and from time to time all the love comes falling down, and I ask myself ... How was it that i lost my way ?? and why cant i find a new one??
without words i fell apart and my dreams came crashing down and tho i wish we could walk the same road again.. its just a loosing dream. When I am alone looking at at the window flashbacks of good times distract my mind from today. At times I wish i could cry more, and on nights like these when even if i wish i could the tears hold back.
Drinking tea sitting in front of this screen reminds me of times when I was a teen wondering how my life would be and yet nothing i ever dreamt compares to today. I wonder if people from the outside can see how lonely i can feel inside; am sorry am not quite the same.
So i thought of how my mind is continuously searching for the past but why ?? why cant I feel completely alive without these things?? how come from time to time i still feel them all around me? and how come my hands reach to nothing? and how come music doesnt reach me like it once did ?? and how can I feel so alone when i am completely surrounded?
I wonder now ... how will the end to my story be ?? ... still I think Life came and crashed down on me and left me defeated because everyday keeps me from finding myself, and if the night is when i am allowed to navigate the dept of my mind , well ... dreams dont come often enough.
- Location:United States, Nevada, Las Vegas
- Mood:
uncomfortable - Music:Tiesto live
2011 here I come ... this year is for me and for me only!
a lot has happened, where to start , ok one of the obstacles I had on my way was school and work right ??
well school is now over! I graduated again and it was a blast! many people showed up to celebrate and infact pushed the isssue lol not me. I wasnt sure I was going to celebrate but they wanted to so we did.
We had a party at DW and it was a blast.
#2 .
I finished the year with a more calm mind, i made it a personal goal for this upcoming year to be all about me and for me to stop thinking of what it was and if I still had it .. and i mean every aspect of my life , fam , friends, loved ones etc ....
This year is for me! and I am the one focusing on it! not on anything else
#3.
Got my own store wich means I am the boss and with more pay and benefits ... still i am not getting stuck there .. I want to keep the job for maybe 6 months to 1 year while i save for my own hair studio! WEE PEE
#4.
Xmas and New years this year were a lot more private and I realized I liked that very much and therefor from now on I am gonna maybe travel away for the holidays :)
Personal goal and all of that BLAH!!!!!!!!
I dont make goals anymore and I dont try to control anything ... this year I will let life just be that and what happens happens, what I loose i loose and what I win well I win ... for now I am content :)
- Location:Office
- Mood: content
- Music:Pandora
December 14, 2010
It seems life keeps tearing me a bit
When all that you know sums all to this: It’s like I am frozen in time … cold as Ice, and stuck between here and there….
I feel lost again …. I have often felt like I have taken a miss-step in life, I haven’t quite felt exactly complete or for all that matters normal. I am still very lonely inside.
There are times; ill admit when everything seems so right and yet now it feels like an everyday routine.
I can’t look back … I have made so many mistakes; I have paid and am still paying the price for those choices. I wanted to find myself by now; I wanted to be set apart from the rest. I wanted to have someone to share my secrets with and run in circles one behind the other. I wanted to finally start living life, I wanted to laugh, smile, cry, but no one ever said it would be this hard. I went to find him … I went searching for him, I tried to guess more than just numbers and figures, I tried to fit the pieces of the puzzle even when they didn’t fit right. I heard “ I love you” so many times, and they all came back to hunt me. I said “I love you” as well just to find out words and feelings sometimes can be so far apart. I tried to feel the heat, I wanted to be running inside someone’s mind maybe even sharing a pact further than what is humanly possible…I wanted all of that. I dream of being needed as much as being wanted feeling the same back and now I’m not sure I quite understand.
Just me … just me … that is all I ever had to give … and back when I was able to cry and feel things with more intensity life didn’t exactly showed mercy on me. Still with every day that was given to me I still tried feeling something deep. I am getting scared now … that my lips are getting dry year after year. Why cant I talk about it ?? and why do I always doubt that there will be a better day ?? I am dying inside a little every day and I see my self blowing away …
I have memories, pictures, and frames of frozen time inside my head. I have memories, conversations, tears, feelings, crazy ideas, I have all of this inside me and there is nothing for me to do with those things today … I guess they all went away. I chose to keep moving on, trying to find another me … but I feel like somewhere along the lines I lost myself. I am not sure I quite understand the rode I was given. I swear left and right that at some point I tried to speak to God … but I never heard much back.
I had life running through my veins … and even tho I woke up again and again every day; I can’t help but feel like the ghost of 1000 faces. Somewhere there is something left of me, but I watch my life passing me by faster than the day before each day and I very much feel still stuck in the shadows of my own mistakes. Like I said I had a hunger for life , for more, for making sense of a world that was unkind. I dye little by little and its making me go crazy out of my mind. I simply wanted a reason for more than time to stand still. I feel pain crawling underneath my skin and I feel broken, faded and terrified that no one will be able to tell me it will be ok … and I can’t help but wonder if all of this is just inside my head??????
Look at me now … scared, defeated, lonely, and without the power to cry. I have shed so many tears that my eyes are running on dry. Where am I ?? what happened?? Where did I go wrong?? … I feel like the shadow of whom I used to be. I used to think I knew more about me. At the very least I always thought I could always love and keep on loving and even tho my body goes through the motions, I feel my heart shutting down…. Maybe I was asking for much, or maybe it was that I was used to it, or maybe I was sabotaging everything in front of me. Maybe while I was screaming, no one was able to hear my cries …. But I have tried everything, I hear the echo of my screams and even when I wish I could shut my body down, it wakes up every morning trying to figure things out.
I feel like a complete stranger walking through life with smiles and laughter and my own body fights me… like any human at times I want to stay in bed … and not wake up. Inside of me I have this feeling, as dark as the onyx from the ground.
Im scared, am really scared that Life is just passing me by and that all I will be able to do is hold on to these feelings that keep getting dark and darker every day.
I was never anything special to begin with … but I felt strong at the very least. I used to feel useful just to be around, I don’t understand what in the world is happening… and if this is life’s idea of Irony I don’t want to be around anymore to be made the fool. I wish at this point that I had never needed anyone at all. I’m sick and tired of this and I wish someone could bring out the man that once used to be me. At times I feel like I can’t eat, or drink or breathe anymore. I so thought that if I worked hard life would have someone nice for me. I had a plan for the life I wanted o live… I was in love … and now years go by and Im stuck on it and on this , maybe the parallel life of all the pain others felt from me … maybe this is what I got in return for all the wrong and hurtful things I did.
I was praying that I would be able to see something deeper than this, and I wanted to find the one to talk about it. I still close my eyes once in a while to see flashes of my old life, flashes of those whom I loved, the rain, the snow, the white cold walls of brick, and then these thoughts twist and twirl onto darkness.
Rain: once pouring over me to wash away my tears, second to give me hope, third my own tears to force me to walk again… and now, no longer rain … just a cloud.
Who will be there for me ?? who will be with me??
Please someone stop the day … or please signal someone to come help. I cant run anymore… and if this is whom I want supposed to be … then I don’t want to stay.
I see nothing more in my eyes, and the more I see the more the fire is put out.
Why did life take this out of me ?? I feel a hole where my heart should be and I don’t think Ill be able to fight much more.
I often run back to pictures of him… and still all that I have today from that are pictures and memories. It hurts looking at them and yet it also brings a smile to my face, because maybe just maybe those could have been the last sincere times of my life.
Some promised me things, some said that they would never leave, that they would always be around, or maybe even that at the very least they would stay in touch … cowards… that’s all they ever were. They simply spoke words … but one of these days they will think of me. They spoke of the dream I dreamt, and of the times when we would look back at life while we laughed at life in the face but sooner or later they all left and laughed at me.
What other thing to do than just accept the defeat and wish them all happiness , and tho wishing for those things back are just wishes they are the most sweet memories of my life. I had hope that one day they would come look for me and today that heart stands empty, wrong and alone. One thing I can say is that from me … at the very least I did feel love and it was possibly the only thing back then to keep me alive.
If I am alone … and touching the bottom line … I guess Ill have to plan for a life of that… because I wouldn’t want to keep pretending my entire life.
- Location:Euphoria
- Mood:
sad - Music:Joss Stone
